SKY BLUE REVERIES

Before I moved, I was just this girl going back and forth between home and school. As a kid that was the only world I knew of. Nothing less nothing more. I watched Indian movies or telenovela after I came home from school. I went to an Islamic private school and I had never set my feet outside the Java island. But all of that changed in 2006.



The image of arriving in Schiphol airport for the first time is a bit blurry in my brain. I remember Aunt E. and Uncle T. picked us up at the airport, I remember the Burger King but that's all I remember.  What took me by surprise was how cold it was. It was in September or October when we arrived hence the whether was chilly. There were many first times for me on that day we arrived. It was a bit overwhelming for a nine year old girl to handle whom her world was drastically changed from the heat of Jakarta to the cold dutch breeze.

Fast forward to a few days later we moved to our apartment. Our apartment that was still empty and unfurnished. Slowly we made that apartment as our comfy home for the next four years. I also had to experience something that pushes me outside of my comfort zone, school. I remember I read a novel as a kid that was about a girl named Mallory who moved to a new town and had to start all over again at her new school. Little did I know, I was about to experience it myself. But in my case it was different. I moved to a different continent, a country with a whole other set of customs and culture.

School. I can talk for hours about this topic. Don't know honestly where to begin, where to stop, or  what I exactly want to tell. I think the word that suits the most for this particular topic is life-changing. If someone ask me what period of time of my life is my favorite, I can easily answer without any hesitation and that would be my elementary school years in Delft. It was a time where everything felt exciting and new.  To my teachers who all have left an everlasting memory in my heart, juf Els, juf Bianca, juf Danielle, meester Peter, and juf Yvonne. I'm eternally grateful for the countless support and lessons you've given to me.

I learned for the first time that studying can be fun. Students were allowed to think outside of the box and to express their opinions. I realized later on that those two things are extremely rare in the Indonesian education system. Honestly I can't remember feeling stressed out during my elementary years. I feel like all I did was play. I mean sure I was studying history, math, English, Dutch, geography and all sort of stuff, but it was all done in such a way where there was no pressure involved. I mean I remember very clearly that all I did after school was hop from one playground to another or played trampoline in my friend's garden for hours and drink lemonade. It was amazing. To feel free, happy, and stress-free.

My final year in elementary school played a huge part in making this experience wonderful. To start, it was the year where I got the main character for the annual play and the play was My Fair Lady. That year I learned the beauty of drama. I learned how much fun it can be to play other characters that are not even remotely close to your own. Meester Peter who taught me the art of improv and made me feel confident performing on stage. Till this day, I still wish I can learn more about drama and be part of a drama club or something like that...

That final year was closed with a one week school trip to Gelderland. The long bicycle rides along the hills, the beautiful landscapes that we passed, the art museum, poker night, gala, now all of them feels like a dream and out of my reach.


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I think no matter how old I am, I can never stop talking about my experience in the Netherlands. As much as I want to tell every single bit of my experience, I know I have to stop myself. It truly gives me joy as I'm making this post and reminiscing about the past. But nothing good comes out from thinking too much about the past. It only leaves me with a bittersweet feeling. Because I know it's all in the past and it can never be replayed. All those tingling excitement can never be felt again. There's a big chance that I might never see the majority of my friends again no matter how much I miss them.


I still have this vivid image of saying good bye to my close friends. It was in a playground close to my elementary school. As I walked away from them,  I stop at every three meters to look back and wave to them. They all just stood in one place and kept waving until the both of us lost a clear image of each other. And I remember I had tears in my eyes as I walked back home because I realized that was it.

All the good and bad stuff that happened back then has such a strong influence for making me the person that I am today and I won't change any bit of it. I'm ready for a new chapter in my life, for a new adventure, for feeling excited and scared at the same time.















P.S I don't think this will be my last post related to my childhood years in Delft

I love this city. Despite its traffic jams and the huge amount of people, this is still the place I can always called home. Sure it's nice to live in a big metropolitan city, but it still has its downsides. The big city is often associated as a melting pot for people who dream of a better future. In big cities, it is so easy to get lost. And I mean it as both literally and figuratively. Let's not talk about the definitive meaning of lit since I'm pretty sure that everyone know what it means. By figuratively I mean that usually people in the city are so driven to chase their dreams and working out their own personal struggles that they tend to forget to be socially aware of the things that happen around them. It's undeniably easy to ended up just following other people's orders around and forget that you too have your own voice and dreams.

Recently I saw on my instagram that the beautiful and talented Maudy Ayunda just released a single called "Jakarta Ramai". This song is so soothing for your ears and soul. The song is basically a love letter to Jakarta. And the lyrics is spot on, because it truly portrays the feelings and thoughts of the people living or working in Jakarta. Please take a listen to this song. Oh, and go watch the music video so you can see the urban life in this busy city.

There are so many things I want to say, so many things going through my mind that I don't even know where to begin. Slowly they're turning into this huge untangled mess and I find myself struggling to find my way out.

Emptiness. Why do people have to feel this? There are days where I could just feel nothing, like I could just forget about all the things happening around me and don't give a shit about anything. Just me and my voice inside my head. And honestly, this scares the shit out of me. God, I don't even know why I'm writing this....maybe because writing helps put all my thoughts in perspective.

Please don't get worried. I think this is just a phase. I think this is the time where you question things, where you get very critical of yourself, where you just trying to find out who you are in this goddamn world. I hope by writing this, I can help someone (whoever read this meaningless blog) by letting them know that you're not the only one who feels this way.

You know what can cure this? Love. Just love. I often tell myself to be more open. To open my heart more to other people. It's obviously easier said than done. It's scary to think about it. You have to let your guards down, you have to give someone a chance to love you for who you are, and you have to be willing to get hurt. Disney movies sure made it looks easy to find your happily ever after, too bad real life doesn't work that way.

Final note, just let yourself be loved. Be grateful. Surround yourself with people you love and who love you back. And remember whatever happens, happens.



 I think you'll be fine. 

People's mood is surely a bizarre thing. I can't never grasp how easy it is for a person to change mood from utter joy to feeling empty in an instant. No matter how loved you are by your family and friends, there will be times where we just feel like we want to disappear. Especially when you're still all confused and trying to find your place in this world, like me.

There will be moments where you just feel so alive but by the time you wake up the next morning, you feel nothing. I often ask myself how this is possible. Am I the only one who feels this way? Is it some kind of teeange-life-crisis? Do people in their 50s feel this way too? Or do they all feel content and have found a place for themselves in this world? I don't know.

I also learned in my 18 years of living in this world is that depression never really go away. They will come and go as they please. Everyone has their own way of dealing with depression. Some people are good at handling (or hiding) them , while others find it more difficult.

I pray to God to give me a long life, so that I can learn more about myself. I feel like there are so many layers and dynamics to one person, that makes it a lifetime for a person to truly know themselves. I pray that once I got old, I have found myself, as my true authentic self.