SKY BLUE REVERIES

Hello to whoever reading this. Brace yourself because this is going to be a long one.



2019 is almost coming to an end! What a year it has been. Honestly, this year is a special one for me. It has been a year of growth. The first seven months were full of ups and downs. I say that because I was working on my undergraduate thesis haha. It was wearing me out physically and mentally. It was full-on lab work, non-stop trials and errors, and a boatload of going back and forth to Glodok, Kenari, and Bogor to buy all the tools. It was truly something. But let me tell you, achieving a pretty good result and final product that I'm proud of feels so damn good. Not gonna lie. It feels really good. Those seven months are unforgettable and I'm so lucky to have my fellow research teammates who are so supportive. They were my go-to people to make me laugh during all the stressful times because we're in the same boat and they are the ones who truly get it. We went through a lot together and amazingly we made it! Basically what I've learned from this is that I'm stronger than I thought. I'm grateful for the experience. Everything that has happened made me the person I am today. I won't change it for anything. Also, the trip to Penang and Bali with them was really fun.

After all of the hard work in the lab, writing the thesis and papers, it was finally graduattioooonn time~ the day that I've been waiting forever since my third semester haha. The rehearsal day and the actual graduation day were hectic. For the most part, it was me trying to take as many photos as I can of myself and with my friends and family. I didn't have a moment to really take it in, you know to tell myself like "wow I just graduated" or "I finish engineering school" or "this is probably the last time I'm going to see the majority of my college friends ever again". Now I kinda wish I realized that last part sooner. Let's go back for a while.





The first day of college was all about excitement and enthusiasm for the future. It was a brand new environment for everyone. It was a clean slate, you can create a whole new identity and be a new person than you were in high school. Then as you continue, you realized that it's not all fun and games. There were many instances where I thought "why the heck did I choose this major", "what was I thinking" and "I wish I was in a different major instead". But then I looked at my friends and I saw that they all struggled too. So....I don't know, I guess I find it comforting to know that I'm not the only one. The beautiful thing is that we all helped and supported each other. Like honestly if my friends weren't that, I'd definitely consider changing my major. Fortunately, they all are good fun kind people that I have the pleasure to be friends with. I just can't imagine going through four years without any support system because chemical engineering is tough man haha.





I can easily say that all the positive memories that I've made during my college years outweigh the bad ones. Why? Because of my friends. Was it stressful? Definitely. Was it fun? Heck yeah. I genuinely wish the best of luck to my friends for the new journey they're embarking on. We're not college students anymore. That means no more classes, no more midterms or finals, no more studying last minute together. All of that is in the past. The road feels more abstract now compare to college, where before we always know what our schedule is and what to expect from the semester. Now it's full of question marks. It's a new chapter and it's daunting yet thrilling.



Last but not least, I feel immensely grateful for my family. I especially appreciate them more now than ever. Probably because during my not-so-good moments, that I realized how big of support they are to me. Their presence is something that I often took for granted. Thus by the time I felt lost and out of touch with myself, I finally understand that I should never take them for granted in the first place. I'm pretty vocal about my affections to my family in real life. Therefore I don't think I need to write in full details about it. Anyway, I know I can be a handful at times. So to my family who might be reading this, thank you for putting up with me and for always knocking some senses into me.




Before I made this post, I had no idea where to begin and where to stop. The last time I post was in February 2018. You can imagine that my brain is bursting with ideas and stories I wanted to tell about everything that has happened in between. As a closing statement, I'll be honest with you I kinda feel scared for the future. But scared in a good way. I think it's embedded in our DNA to wanting to grow. We're constantly searching for a new adventure and challenge to take on. I'm ready for my new chapter. I don't know how it will be and where it may take me. All I know is, I'm ready.

Let me give you the back story first. This afternoon I came across this musical gem on youtube. And let me tell you something about myself, I love (once again, love) finding new indie singers or bands through youtube, spotify, tumblr etc. It always feels as if someone gives me a delicious treat to my art-craving soul.

My curiosity has led me to find this musical gem that is Parekh and Singh. They are an alternative pop duo from Kolkata and my goodness their music video is so pleasing to the eyes! If you love Wes Anderson, this is definitely right up to your alley. Other than the aesthetically pleasing music video another thing that caught my attention was their lyrics. I don't know what has gotten into me, but somehow I managed to listen intensively to the lyrics from the get-go. On a side note, their debut album is actually released in 2016, so if anyone reading this and is about to mock me "Sesia, do you really think you're cool. I mean this was sooo last year"......well go ahead. I never claimed myself as a music hipster anyway.

This is Parekh and Singh. And I'll link the music video down below this post.

There are so many things I want to say, so many things going through my mind that I don't even know where to begin. Slowly they're turning into this huge untangled mess and I find myself struggling to find my way out.

Emptiness. Why do people have to feel this? There are days where I could just feel nothing, like I could just forget about all the things happening around me and don't give a shit about anything. Just me and my voice inside my head. And honestly, this scares the shit out of me. God, I don't even know why I'm writing this....maybe because writing helps put all my thoughts in perspective.

Please don't get worried. I think this is just a phase. I think this is the time where you question things, where you get very critical of yourself, where you just trying to find out who you are in this goddamn world. I hope by writing this, I can help someone (whoever read this meaningless blog) by letting them know that you're not the only one who feels this way.

You know what can cure this? Love. Just love. I often tell myself to be more open. To open my heart more to other people. It's obviously easier said than done. It's scary to think about it. You have to let your guards down, you have to give someone a chance to love you for who you are, and you have to be willing to get hurt. Disney movies sure made it looks easy to find your happily ever after, too bad real life doesn't work that way.

Final note, just let yourself be loved. Be grateful. Surround yourself with people you love and who love you back. And remember whatever happens, happens.



 I think you'll be fine. 

People's mood is surely a bizarre thing. I can't never grasp how easy it is for a person to change mood from utter joy to feeling empty in an instant. No matter how loved you are by your family and friends, there will be times where we just feel like we want to disappear. Especially when you're still all confused and trying to find your place in this world, like me.

There will be moments where you just feel so alive but by the time you wake up the next morning, you feel nothing. I often ask myself how this is possible. Am I the only one who feels this way? Is it some kind of teeange-life-crisis? Do people in their 50s feel this way too? Or do they all feel content and have found a place for themselves in this world? I don't know.

I also learned in my 18 years of living in this world is that depression never really go away. They will come and go as they please. Everyone has their own way of dealing with depression. Some people are good at handling (or hiding) them , while others find it more difficult.

I pray to God to give me a long life, so that I can learn more about myself. I feel like there are so many layers and dynamics to one person, that makes it a lifetime for a person to truly know themselves. I pray that once I got old, I have found myself, as my true authentic self.