SKY BLUE REVERIES

There are so many things I want to say, so many things going through my mind that I don't even know where to begin. Slowly they're turning into this huge untangled mess and I find myself struggling to find my way out.

Emptiness. Why do people have to feel this? There are days where I could just feel nothing, like I could just forget about all the things happening around me and don't give a shit about anything. Just me and my voice inside my head. And honestly, this scares the shit out of me. God, I don't even know why I'm writing this....maybe because writing helps put all my thoughts in perspective.

Please don't get worried. I think this is just a phase. I think this is the time where you question things, where you get very critical of yourself, where you just trying to find out who you are in this goddamn world. I hope by writing this, I can help someone (whoever read this meaningless blog) by letting them know that you're not the only one who feels this way.

You know what can cure this? Love. Just love. I often tell myself to be more open. To open my heart more to other people. It's obviously easier said than done. It's scary to think about it. You have to let your guards down, you have to give someone a chance to love you for who you are, and you have to be willing to get hurt. Disney movies sure made it looks easy to find your happily ever after, too bad real life doesn't work that way.

Final note, just let yourself be loved. Be grateful. Surround yourself with people you love and who love you back. And remember whatever happens, happens.



 I think you'll be fine. 

Aaah holiday, what a splendid time it is. It's a period of time where you can do anything you want, literally anything. Whether you want to be productive or be a couch potato all day, it's all up to you. You know why? Because you deserve it. You have spent many sleepless nights to get all your assignments done before its deadline, so I think it's fair to say that you deserve to do anything your heart desires.

Oh you want to know what I've been up to during my holiday? Well, I would love to tell you about it. Hmm....where do I start. Let's see, I went to Malang in the beginning of December with my whole family. Did a bunch of typical tourist stuff in Malang (maybe I will post something about it in another post....just maybe), I had a few meet up with my friends from high school, ate many delicious food at different places with people I care about. But do you know what I do most off the time? watching movies.  And because of that, I want to show you some of the movies that I've watched during my very very productive holiday.





2. Brooklyn

I remember I was searching for a romantic movie without the cheesiness and the predictable plot
we've often encountered in romantic movies. And let me assure you this movie is none of those things. Everything in this movie is just perfect. I even cried watching this. There's a nice balance between the love, romance, and drama. And Saoirse Ronan is playing the lead yayy! Alongside one of my favorite actor Domhnall Gleeson (whom I fell in love with through the movie About Time). This movie follows Ellis Lacey, who is an Irish immigrant trying to find a better future in Brooklyn. Brooklyn is obviously more than that, but I just want to tell you this. This movie reminded me of my own experience. I mean I'm not an immigrant like her, but I have a similar experience as Ellis. If you want to know why then go continue reading this, if not, please go straight to number 3. You're welcome.



When I first arrived in Delft, I felt homesick. I missed my house in Jakarta, my cousins, my friends. But after awhile, Delft made me feel at home. I had a life there. I went to school there, I even finish my elementary school, and I also made many friends. And suddenly the city didn't make me feel like a stranger anymore.
Then I moved back to Jakarta, and I knew something was different. Although it's the city where I was born in, where I spent my early childhood in, I found it strange to call back this city home. To be honest,  in junior high I had a hard time to get myself used to living in Jakarta. I kept comparing to my old life in Delft. I kept wishing and dreaming to go back. And I often thought about what is home, what is my real home, where do I belong to, those kinds of questions.

Eventually I learn to just go with the flow. To be grateful for what you have and to try to make the most out of it. And now I know that people can have more than one place where they could call it home.




3. Se7en

I like se7en. Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman and Kevin Spacey were a great combo.  Murders, solving a mystery from a serial killer, searching for the bad guy, if you like these type of things then go watch se7en. I must say though, for me it's neither the best thriller nor suspense movie, but it is entertaining. And I feel like out of the three main actors, Kevin Spacey was the most impressive one.

Seriously though, I actually had zero intention watching this. I've seen snippets of it and the original movie poster still gives me the eerie creepy vibe. But a friend of mine recommended me this, so I decided to watch this once and for all. Want to know what I think? I still think it's creepy, disturbing, and poignant. Some of the scenes were too much for me to watch so I had to fast forward it. But I must say, that I was very impress with the acting of Kevin Spacey. And after watching this, I remember that I had an "Oh my God" moment, because I realized that Mr Spacey also played the serial killer in se7en. Why am I surprise you might ask? Well because when I first watched se7en, I didn't know who played the serial killer. So the moment I realized it, I had a mind blown kind of moment. Like "man this guy can act". Just.







 5. The Addams Family & The Addams Family Values

Let's just count them as one. Love love the sarcasm and the wit in this movie. I think some people might find this weird and boring, but I love the Addams.  Favorite character? Definitely Wednesday Addams. Why?
7. The Propaganda Game

Last but not least, I watched the documentary "The Propaganda Game" by director Alvaro Longoria. I think I've seen three or four documentaries about North Korea. I'm genuinely interested and fascinated by this country. There is so little information we know about this isolated country. I think what makes this different than the other documentaries I've watched is usually they mainly focusing on the dark terrible images of North Korea. But this one shows you the real life of the people living there, like the children in their school, children playing the piano and violin, how life is in the university. And through the interviews we can also learn that the people have somehow accepted or know that their lives are actually part of the country's propaganda. By the end of the documentary I question myself whether the information we read about North Korea in the media are also part of someone's propaganda. I think it is...Just this whole documentary is worth watching. If you have interest about this country as much as I do, or you're just straight out curious about North Korea, please watch this documentary.

People's mood is surely a bizarre thing. I can't never grasp how easy it is for a person to change mood from utter joy to feeling empty in an instant. No matter how loved you are by your family and friends, there will be times where we just feel like we want to disappear. Especially when you're still all confused and trying to find your place in this world, like me.

There will be moments where you just feel so alive but by the time you wake up the next morning, you feel nothing. I often ask myself how this is possible. Am I the only one who feels this way? Is it some kind of teeange-life-crisis? Do people in their 50s feel this way too? Or do they all feel content and have found a place for themselves in this world? I don't know.

I also learned in my 18 years of living in this world is that depression never really go away. They will come and go as they please. Everyone has their own way of dealing with depression. Some people are good at handling (or hiding) them , while others find it more difficult.

I pray to God to give me a long life, so that I can learn more about myself. I feel like there are so many layers and dynamics to one person, that makes it a lifetime for a person to truly know themselves. I pray that once I got old, I have found myself, as my true authentic self.